I have some new baby G (or shall I say little girl G?!) posts coming down the pipeline soon for this dusty old blog but tonight I logged on to try and figure out why my custom domain wasn’t working any longer and instead ended up sifting through the pages and pages of the years past. I realized before I jump back into current life a little update as to how we got here should be done first.
People say as you get older time goes quicker, maybe it’s not a matter of it getting quicker but a matter of it getting less new and less memorable? I certainly feel the weight of time bearing down on me, after all 30 years old is right around the corner for me! But, man has it been a heavy four years and it’s just now, in the recent time I’ve really been able to see this.
2009 - Pregnancy and ALL the prep/research that entails. Not to mention I was sick as a dog for the first half of my pregnancy and swollen like the Michelin man the second half with my bones hurting horribly during the harsh NYC winter. It for sure wore my soul out a bit growing that perfect little baby in my tiny body.
2010 - was the year my beautiful baby girl came to be. It was magic, changed the very feeling spring brings to me each year. I don’t know why but there’s a particular moment I remember with this little girl in the bed in the very apartment she was born with her wearing a particular spring onesie that had bright red flowers on it. Her looking out the window and myself looking at her. That image will always be in my heart as “spring”. Begin me learning how to parent and fighting with breast feeding.
2011 - Was the beginning of the end of my marriage. It was the start to an emotional and difficult adventure. Looking back on those dark times doesn’t feel good. I don’t ever want to be back there lacking so much of myself while trying to be everything to this new little girl. Figuring out what the family of “her and I” really looked and felt like.
My company nearly fell apart this year in March but with some awesome help with my business partner of the time we pulled the pieces together and created a better version than it had been before the conflict. This was one of the most emotionally draining events of my life.
The end of this year also marked the beginning of Occupy Wall Street which lead to consuming my every thought via Parents for Occupy Wall Street for sometime and led to my first book being published. I also signed one of my most important clients Gangstagrass this year. Some really good stuff and really bad stuff all wrapped into one.
2012 - I moved into my dream loft after fighting tooth and nail to get it. Occupy continued to consume me and we started shooting Parents of the Revolution. Things got much worse with Mark and he was out of the picture completely for a long time. I had to learn how to shed the hate that had built up inside of me from my bad marriage. Then, October, Hurricane Sandy destroyed my neighborhood. My attention shifted from activism to saving my own. I founded Red Hook Volunteers and took a 3 month long journey helping save lives and my community. The PTSD from this was brutal and I was shaken to my goddamn soul.
2013 - While yes, Occupy still exists, Red Hook Volunteers is still active in my little Brooklyn town, work called my attention back. With the signing of a real agent for my big band 2013 has been the most travel heavy for my job ever. So far this year I’ve spent more time on the road than off. I’ve traveled all over the country, Canada, and even over to Europe for work and the most magical vacation ever. Currently we signed an awesome new co-manager that will be helping not only grow the band but also my experience as a manager.
But I think more importantly what 2013 has brought to our little family is more of a calm. Besides the travel there were no births, breakups, revolutions, or natural disasters like the past four years. (that seems like such a crazy statement…..but it’s true haha!) Really the craziness of the past four years, even still struggling with some of the PTSD has had a profound affect on my existence.
Moving forward I do feel some guilt in the fact I don’t protest often any longer, I’m not entirely engaged in Red Hook, I’ve put some serious boundaries on my work and what energies it brings to mine and my daughter’s life. But, I feel it’s time. It’s time for me to stop spreading my energies to everyone and everything around me and focus. Focus on her and mine’s future on being as healthy and balanced as possible. Focus on relationships with the ones I love. Figure out how to be creative again after so many stresses for so long got in the way of that. Figure out how to cherish every moment with my now little girl and with myself. Really taking and curating in so many ways these horrible, beautiful, magical experiences we have lived through. Figuring out how to take everything and become a better parent and person because of it all. 2013 has been kind to us in this way.
I’ve for sure slowed down a bit in the recent months and I hope 2014 will be a lot more of that. a lot more love and reflection. The documentary Parents of the Revolution about Occupy, myself, and G comes out fall 2014 and I’m hoping to also have my two books out at that time telling a bit about the years past and possibly even a little love story. So while we still have some things on our plates I’m happy it’s not the negative but a bunch of things that came out of it all, a cumulation of sorts.
If there’s one thing I can say about myself and my daughter is we’re survivors through and through. But, here’s to hopefully moving beyond survival and into better calmer waters. I’m not ready for 2013 to be over yet but I’m so looking forward to what 2014 has to bring.