Little Amour - Baby G!

Is there more of an appropriate day to get back to updating a baby blog than on Mothers Day? I think not. As usual life is busy, crazy crazy busy which if you’ve read  this blog at any point than you know this is common in our world. This year mothers day was the best BTW. 

Yet, for the first time my lack of updates have not been from some crazy crisis, or huge family shift, or anything of the dramatic sort …quite the opposite. My lack of updates have come from the wonderful, sweet, amazing place of us being out living life and everything going oh so well that it’s hard to stop and take a moment from the happiness. 

Life is good these days guys, like really really good. Don’t get me wrong there’s still the three year old tantrums (terrible two ain’t got nothing on three) there’s still the bad day and for sure the common bad hair days around here. But, spring has brought in so much positive energy and just so much damn love. 

A few months back with a overwhelming heavy tour schedule coming my way for 2013 I made one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I built out a small room in our big loft and traded it with a live in nanny for her services. While I was nervous to lose our privacy and have to deal with another co living situation it ended up being a great move. Our new roomie went to school for child development and has fit right into the family. I can tell G is feeling so much more secure having two people in the house caring for her and my travels are that much more easy for me knowing she’s being cared for well while also keeping her normal consistent schedule. 

My work is doing great also. I’m in a really incredible sweet spot in my career right now that has me thankful everyday for the work I get to do and the people I get to do it with. 

The film wrapped taping about 5 months ago and I was able to see the first cut of it! It was equal part scary and fun watching myself on the big screen. It won’t be released for sometime but it was just submitted to it’s first film festival and it feels good for that chapter to be closing with the feeling of the next leg of that adventure beginning. Even though I’m not part of the actual creating of it, besides being video taped, it feels like I’ve had an artistic project of my own wrap up and come together, very satisfying.  

But the biggest thing I think that’s having such an effect on us day to day is the community we live in. The nice weather has not only brought everyone out of their homes and made for some great playdates both for the kids and the adults. But more than that I’m so thankful for all the amazing people now either new to our life or that had our previous relationship strengthened after Hurricane Sandy. I love walking down the streets of Red Hook, running into friends. I love the community events that we now go to and will know 3/4 of the room walking in the door. So many plays, fundraisers, and get togethers happening lately. It feels good to be social and it feels great to be opening G up to so many people and cultural experiences. I feel such a sense of pride, connection, and family within this community that I haven’t felt since I was in Marching band in high school 15 years ago. To feel part of something is one of the best feelings in the world. And I’m SO SO SO thankful to have G being part of this diverse, socially aware, artistic, and passionate community. It’s good after so many years of struggle between my rough childhood right up to my rough separation to finally feel at home and at a real peace. 

There are so many moments of just slowing down, taking a deep breath, and feeling the love. I’m so thankful. 

 Also, this little bean turned three a few months ago! She’s growing up before my eyes so quickly I don’t even know what to do with myself. I went from having a baby to having a full fledged little girl and let me tell you….I think it’s pretty awesome! 

Her new favorite things are ballet and pretty much anything dance at all. I’ve started the pre-K search being there’s so many options in this city. The process for picking and getting your child into an NYC elementary school is the same that most parents go through for their kids college applications. It’s so complicated! But I’m excited to start that search (and loose the daycare bill next year!)

So there you have it, life is oh so sweet these days. It’s been an adjustment to a calm and happy life but I think I could get use to this, these feelings…..and I think G agrees. 

This past weekend G had a milestone of a moment, she attended her first play. Every year a local non-profit Falcon Works hosts an event in Red Hook called “Off The Hook”. It’s plays written by local Red Hook kids performed by kids and adult actors. It’s pretty sweet. Every year for the past three I’ve been on the road so it was so great to actually be able to attend this year and none the less share such a wonderful moment in G’s life, her first play! 

It was so nice to see so many neighborhood people out and about.

She spent the last act going back and forth over everyone’s laps in our group.

*Creepy back of photo lurker*

Besides getting a little anxious at the end she did really well the entire time. She was fully engaged in the story and with the actors. I can’t wait to do more things like this again with her. Maybe a ballet next? 

This past weekend we got our first real snow fall in Brooklyn. On one walk home the guys decided to show G how to make snow angels. It was funny, they were all rooting for her to lay down in the snow and her response was “no I have clothes on”. She was so confused as to why someone would lay in the wet snow! Eventually they got her to get down and join Mike on the ground. Hilarious. 

She was a little upset about being covered in snow after standing up… 

Oh my cannon how I’ve missed thee. My camera didn’t actually go anywhere I was just a little less motivated to snap photos for whatever reason in the past year (there were many!). But, not anymore. It’s back and there’s oh so much to share! Plus, look at that little girl up there! The baby is leaving more and more each day and a beautiful little girl is emerging. Plus she has my gap in her front teeth! 

Red Hook is officially out of crisis and into recovery and even a little rebuilding currently. While prevention from future storms are a long way out we’re getting there. It’s interesting to see the stages after the hurricane relief and how my personal life has greatly reflected the crisis. Chaos, confusion, abandonment, and a sliver lining. Going on almost a month ago now Mark left our family. He has been living in his own place for sometime now but this but he decided after another string of bad decisions and struggles with his addiction G’s life maybe better for a bit without him being part of it. It was a hard thing for me to swallow but seeing his power cause me so much pain and struggle during a literal crisis it was a welcomed decision. It was hard at first. It was the first time I was a 100% single parent EVERYTHING on me at ALL times. I no longer had the freedom in my schedule having to plan my days down to the very minutes between day care drop off and pick up. I had to figure out how to balance my full-time band management position, my full-time crisis working position and now my full-time parenting position. That first week was hard, I was irritable, I was hurt, let down, and man did I struggle.

But, I wasn’t alone. I had my crew, my new crew supporting me every step of the way. There’s about 8 of us that became close because of the storm and are still working on the relief work together, each and every one of them stepped up to support me in their own way. One let me have complete and utter bitch melt downs on them, one coached me on letting go of my anger helping me rediscover that nice, and balanced person that got buried under years of a bad marriage, one I just text SOS to at any point in the night and they were at my door to inevitably being cried and snotted all over, another cleaned my house for me when I was away for the night so I would come home to a calm space, all at one point or another chipping in to help with G watching her so I can get out of the house for a hour or when I need to run errands. I could go on for ages listing out all the amazing things this group has done to not only help me out in this transition but support me in becoming a stronger, healthier, good person.

It hasn’t always been easy, people never tell you the worst side of divorce, the side where you have to learn all over again who you are and what you want. The hardest thing I’ve had to face so far in my life is relearning who I am, it’s been scary. But, with this team by my side I feel safe for the first time. I feel safe to fail, safe to break down when I need to because I know they are there to catch me, not to judge, not to point fingers, but to do their best in loving me no matter how flawed. More importantly is how this group is loving G. They are shining so much positive energy onto this little girl to the point you can see it radiating out of her in her actions and persona. The guys in particular have really been stepping up to the plate spending extra time with her and I’m just so thankful. I’ll never forget one of my friends consoling me when I had a break down at one point early on because I so worried that G would never have a positive father figure in her life and he said “are you kidding me?!” “look around, she has had more positive influence in the past three month than she probably had in the past two years” and it was at that moment I knew she would be OK, we would be OK, because the universe had provided it’s silver lining.

We may have lived through a crisis but what came into our life is worth a thousand storms over, we after so long without it have found love. And that love is felt every single day between the group dinners , the favors, the kiddy sleep overs, to the random text check ins, even when we fight with each other and help each other see our flaws. We are there for each other, deeply. It’s only been three months but the crisis has created such a bond it’s hard to describe. The awesome thing about it is slowly our group is growing a neighbor here or there joining, a brother moving to NYC, it’s growing and it feels so good to share this magic with more and more people. I’m so thankful to know these people not just for me but for the little girl who’s life they are changing every single day just by being them. Our Fambly.

Crisis. What does this word even mean? It’s completely up for interpretation like most of the english language. Was my childhood a crisis with the horrors of reality bearing down on my young shoulders? Was my separation a crisis in the eyes of my little girl, will her life be defined by the one decision not even made by her? The storm. They call this a crisis, there’s crisis management signs all over my neighborhood even still which will remain for months. I keep trying to analyze the word over and over in my little mind thinking if I could just grasp and understand it a bit more things would have been easier from day one. 

Red Hook Brooklyn was in a Zone A in NYC. I live by the water, the Statue of Liberty people identify this city with is my back yard. It’s a lazy little sea town on the cusp of the world. Less then 10,000 people, we all know each other. The night of the storm was surreal, when the water came everyone was shocked, this didn’t happen with Irene, no one was ready, everyone was shocked. 

The next morning, the town was silent. That first 24 hours no one spoke. Everyone just sort of dug through the piles left of their homes, businesses, life work, all gone by the almost silent water that rose from the sea that night. We were broken and no one came to help. 

A crisis. You watch these things happen on TV, you see these things in movies and you never really know, you can’t really know what it’s like till it happens, till it happens to you. Which I guess are most things in this world. 

I’ve been humbled. A month later we’re just beginning the rebuilding. There’s a incredibly beautiful story between that night and now. It’s a story of real life heros, new family I didn’t even know I needed, and a brand new future/path laid out for this little family. Someday I’ll tell that story, but not anytime soon. The wounds are too fresh. 

But, I am going to put this little message up here for my daughter to sometime look back on. This family, her and I, we have this. Crisis, may have pushed us to the ends of our understanding. It may have been difficult (so many conversations about how the storm monster won’t return) but, my dear, baby girl we’ve done it, we’ve made it through and we are stronger. Crisis has nothing on us and our love. Someday this will get easier, someday we’ll have more of everything good in the world. I feel it in my bones. Till that day comes I’m so happy to have you by my side crisis and all. This is our story.

On the 28th you turned two and a half baby, a milestone! You’re old enough to take the local ballet class (I’ve been anxiously awaiting this!) now among these other brillent things…

Changes-  I bet I’m going to say this with every single age but this time period has been my favorite by far. You’re like a little grown up in a baby’s body dear. You’re so intuitive, sassy, and down right smart. You’re forming your own full conclusions and even starting to play pretend, it’s incredible to watch. You are fully talking at this point, using big words and asking questions. We haven’t hit the “why” phase yet but we’ve totally hit the “what’s that phase”. A big change I’ve seen over the past six months is how you’re not only are voicing what you want (like if I’m working too much you will down right say I “miss mommy” which has fueled a few mommy baby play hooky for a day during the week) but how you’re expressing so well how the world around you affects you, when something makes you sad, when you worry, when you are excited about something in your day. EVERYTHING. It has really made me slow down and more evaluate the environment around you. This parenting thing, once you get it figured out things change yet again to challenge and make you grow! 

Oh, the hair. Finally after almost two years as a baldy you’re getting some hair! It’s beautiful, a little wild with a slight curl and I just can’t get enough. I’ve been having a blast braiding and playing with it. I’m not sure when you’ll get your first hair cut but it’s not looking like anytime soon.

Food- You have turned into the pickiest eater in the world! You pretty much only eat tomatoes, bread, yogurt, fish sticks and grapes these days. I’ve had to work extra hard to get good food into you lately. If you agree to eat something out of the norm we’ll scoop big huge mouthfuls in just to get as much healthy food in before you shake your head and push the plate away. I’m hoping the impending soup season will help with getting you to eat somethings you normally won’t eat.

Loves- You love Sundays the most of all. These are the days you get to go play soccer and go to church. We’ve joined a Unitarian church about 6 months ago for the community and you just adore it. You’ve also fallen in love with your best friend Veronica from school. We’ve had a few play dates here or there because you two we’re always coming home talking about each other. You always ask if “Veronica can come to your house”. I never knew two year old had best friends, but oh boy do you two adore each other! You’re into the normal toddler things, arts and crafts, your dolls, and play kitchen. Your dad has been really pumping up Halloween with you teaching you how to trick or treat with a dry run at my apartment door and making sure to schedule special things like apple picking to connect the little city girl you are to the changing seasons. You have a great daddy baby! 

Sleeping- When we were making our big transition from a family home to a single parent home I brought you back into my bed to sleep with me. We co-slept for a long time so this was nothing new. The cuddles were much needed at the time of such transition. But now, we have routine and a schedule down. If we were to let you, you would stay up till midnight each night only to complain when we have to wake you up early for school. You weren’t getting enough sleep for a bit there. So, I reorganized your bedroom so it was “fresh and new” and started you sleeping in your own bed again with a 8:30 strict bed time. Your still not falling asleep that early but each evening it’s 20 mins earlier you’re in dream land. We’re at abut 9:20 now so I’m hoping in a couple weeks you’ll be asleep by 8:30 each night. As for the night waking, you’ve completely stopped that and will stay down the whole evening not asking to get in my bed anymore. Your dad is convinced you were sleep walking one night which wouldn’t be shocking since your mom does that often. 

Here’s to celebrating 2 1/2 years baby girl!

A few weeks ago for my half birthday Mark bought me a trapeze class. I was a little worried at first because of the complete lack of upper body strength I possess. But, to my surprise I was a natural! (See here) Arm strength actually has very little to do with it, you just have to jump, trust, and let go to the rhythm of the swing. That has stuck with me, the “rhythm” and the idea of setting it and just giving yourself over. It’s taken a while but I think we’ve finally got one down in my life as a parent. It’s been difficult to set up and stick with the split house hold schedule. It was even more hard for me to adjust to the single-mom-hood. Mark is supportive and understanding even though the transition has been difficult on everyone. But finally I’m starting to feel in the “groove”. 

On rare occasions there’s actually a moment of pure joy here and there. Like last evening, we came home way later than expected, Mark dropped myself and a sleeping baby off after an adventure of a day. I changed and tucked G in,  Fed and walked the dog, checked a few emails. But this evening as I walked by G’s little sleeping body on my way to bed I couldn’t help but to curl up next to her all warm and snug. My dog had the same idea obviously because two mins later he was climbing over us pinning me between sweet sleeping baby and fluffy snuggly doggy. I felt so much love at that moment. Love and contentment, something I haven’t expected to feel after a separation, before the path of the future is clear. 

I’m taking this for a sign, something is working. Maybe it’s the new schedule we have G on with an earlier bedtime, maybe it’s that my home is finally MY home again after a few months of hell with a now ex room mate, maybe it’s confidence that comes as a child gets older maybe, just maybe, it’s me getting into the rhythm of being a single mom finally since I’ve let go and given myself over to the idea. The big idea that I can do this, and we’ll be more than ok, we’ll be happy. 

(most of my photos look like this these days with this hyper girl…a blur)